SOP-22C: Media Leak Containment (Culinary Division)

INTRODUCTION

Some crises begin with a press leak. Others begin with a fork.

The Staff Canteen Lasagna Incident of 2007 managed to be both. It is still, to this day, the only recorded case in which a food item required full classification under the Rabagas Official Secrets Act, prompting the creation of SOP-22C.

The purpose of the SOP was clear: to control and spin all kitchen-related scandals before they metastasised into front-page embarrassments. But the execution… well, execution was messy. Literally, in the case of the lasagna.

ECTION 1: PURPOSE

Officially:

“To manage the sudden, unauthorised publicisation of culinary events, especially those with potential reputational hazard.”

Unofficially:

“To make sure the public thinks we are edgy gourmets, not reckless archivists.”

SECTION 2: CASE BACKGROUND – THE LASAGNA INCIDENT

It began innocently enough — a Tuesday in late April, an overworked canteen chef, and an unusual shortage of pasta sheets. Somewhere between the kitchen and the Cold Storage Annex, the lasagna was assembled using “available materials,” which, in hindsight, should never have included fragments of Document 9B (“Proposed Morale Management Strategies for Post-Crisis Tea Services”).

Witnesses reported the lasagna as “surprisingly chewy, with undertones of printer ink.”

By Friday, an anonymous tip-off reached the press. By Saturday, grainy images of the lasagna were circulating on message boards, annotated with red arrows and words like “EVIDENCE?” and “WHY IS IT STILL BREATHING?”

SECTION 3: PROCEDURE IMPLEMENTATION

SOP-22C prescribes the following:

1. Scone DiversionAll journalists inquiring about “food safety” are to be offered a plate of scones. The dryness level is calculated to slow mastication to the point where forming additional questions becomes impractical. Scones are stored in a dedicated desiccation chamber for optimum crumb weaponisation.
2. Dietary Fibre DefenceIn the event of a whistleblower claiming the lasagna contained shredded archival documents, the official response is that Rabagas has “always encouraged a balanced diet, including paper fibre for digestive resilience.”
3. Decoy DeploymentThe Culinary Division Crisis Team must immediately replace all lasagnas on site with plausible decoys. Options have included:
   • Quiches (“Nobody protests a quiche”)
   • PDF files printed on lasagna-sized cardstock
   • Inert cardboard slices painted with tomato glaze

Artistic ReframingAny leaked image of the lasagna is to be described as a conceptual art piece exploring “layered bureaucracy.” If pressed for details, staff are instructed to quote from the fictional artist statement prepared in advance:

“We see each pasta sheet as a policy, each sauce layer as the red tape that binds us, and the béchamel as the white lies we tell ourselves to survive.”

SECTION 4: INCIDENT LOG – “THE FREEZER BREATH”

One particularly damaging rumour emerged after an unauthorised staff tour of Cold Storage. A junior staffer reported that when the freezer door was opened, “the lasagna exhaled.” Internal Affairs denies this, but several audio recordings exist of a faint sigh-like noise, followed by the sound of metal shelving adjusting itself.

The lasagna was subsequently moved to a reinforced containment unit, where it remains under “passive observation” — a phrase that in Internal Affairs means “no one wants to open it again.”

SECTION 5: STAFF TESTIMONIES

Former Canteen Manager, name withheld:

“We used to joke that the lasagna had tenure. Now I’m not sure it’s a joke.”

Crisis Team Operative #12:

“Replacing lasagnas with PDFs was easy. Convincing the Finance Department to expense edible ink? That was the real scandal.”

SECTION 6: CULTURAL FALLOUT

Following the leak, staff attendance at the canteen dropped sharply, replaced by a surge in brown-bag lunches and a thriving black-market sandwich trade. The Rabagas intranet saw the creation of an internal emoji — a slice of lasagna with eyes — which was banned within three weeks for “emotional disruption.”

A performance art collective in Berlin later staged “The Bureaucratic Bake,” a three-hour reading of government reports layered between sheets of lasagna. Rabagas issued a brief cease-and-desist, then quietly funded the tour to “control the narrative.”

SECTION 7: CURRENT STATUS

The lasagna is still listed in Cold Storage inventory as “Item L-07 / Special Archive – Do Not Thaw.” Internal Affairs denies rumours that it is still warm, although one maintenance worker swears he once saw condensation inside the containment glass.

Quarterly drills are held to test SOP-22C readiness, often using decoy scandals such as “Soup Containing Restricted Passwords” and “Treacle Tart with Improvised Encryption Keys.”