SOP-31F: Employee Disappearance Reporting

INTRODUCTION

Employee turnover is normal. Employee vanishing is not — unless you work for Rabagas.

Since 1983, Internal Affairs has kept a specific, oddly poetic SOP for recording disappearances. Its purpose is twofold: to maintain records for legal compliance, and to keep up the pretense that a vanished co-worker is “just on a prolonged field study in the concept of absence.”

With 42 unresolved disappearances on record — and at least 11 confirmed Christmas cards from the ether — SOP-31F is less about finding people than preserving the polite fiction that they were never gone in the first place.

SECTION 1: PURPOSE

Official wording:

“To document and manage the sudden vanishing of staff members, particularly those last observed carrying sensitive binders or performing known departure gestures (e.g., stepping out for air, loosening tie while muttering about ‘a change of scenery’).”

Unofficial aim:

“To ensure morale remains stable even if Dave from Accounting walked into the supply closet in 2009 and has not been seen since.”

SECTION 2: TRIGGERS FOR RECOGNITION

A disappearance is only officially acknowledged when:

1. Fourteen Working Days have passed without any verifiable sighting in the office, corridors, nearby pubs, or the Staff Canteen’s discount pastry queue.
2. The missing party has failed to sign at least two birthday cards for other employees. (Unofficial sub-rule: For unpopular employees, this step may take longer.)

SECTION 3: DESK PRESERVATION

The SOP is meticulous about desk protocol:

• The desk must remain untouched, “as a historical diorama” for at least 90 days, except for the mandatory removal of coffee mugs, to prevent morale decay from visible mould.
• Post-it notes are to be left exactly as placed, even if they contain unsettling half-finished phrases like “Don’t forget the sec—”.
• Any live plants are to be watered weekly by the Custodial Bot, unless the missing employee was known to prefer a “desert aesthetic.”

SECTION 4: REAPPEARANCE RESPONSE PLAN

If a missing employee suddenly returns:

• They must be greeted warmly, as though their absence was both expected and entirely routine.
• Their pending workload is to be handed over in a single, overwhelming stack, accompanied by the phrase:

“You were never officially gone.”

• Any attempt to explain their whereabouts is to be politely ignored unless it contains actionable intelligence.

SECTION 5: PUBLIC INQUIRY HANDLING

The official line to any external question remains unchanged since 1984:

“They’re on a prolonged field study in the concept of absence.”

This phrase has been deployed in press conferences, HR audits, and once, during a live cooking segment on daytime television.

SECTION 6: INCIDENT LOG HIGHLIGHTS

• Case 1987-04 – The Binder SlipA policy analyst vanished mid-meeting, last seen balancing three binders labelled “Budget Draft,” “Contingency Draft,” and “In Case of Budget Draft.” No binders were recovered.
• Case 1999-11 – Exit via Conference CallEmployee appeared on-screen during a remote meeting, stood up to “grab more coffee,” and never returned. Coffee cup remained in frame for another 47 minutes.
• Case 2016-02 – The Fire Drill FadeEntire department evacuated for a drill; one staffer simply didn’t return when the “all clear” was given. The drill log still lists them as “outstanding.”

SECTION 7: CULTURAL IMPACT

Within Rabagas, “going 31F” has become shorthand for disappearing without explanation. A discreet office betting pool runs alongside each new suspected case, with odds changing daily based on desk clutter analysis.

Some claim SOP-31F has encouraged disappearances — the lure of having one’s workspace immortalised apparently outweighing the need for continued employment.

SECTION 8: CURRENT STATUS

As of this year, 42 cases remain officially unresolved, though 11 of those employees continue to send holiday greetings addressed to “Whoever’s in my old chair.”

Internal Affairs neither confirms nor denies that some vanishings are “approved absences.” The policy remains active, reviewed annually by a committee that has itself lost two members mid-review.