SOP-59A: Emergency Reclassification of Information

INTRODUCTION

Information wants to be free. Rabagas Internal Affairs prefers it to be… reclassified.

SOP-59A was introduced after a spate of “accidental exposures” in the early 2000s, when sensitive material was spotted in elevator reflections, live-stream backdrops, and once, in the hands of an inebriated archivist at the annual Staff Bar Trivia Night.

Its purpose: to instantly change a document’s classification in such a way that it is no longer recognisable, relevant, or — ideally — real.

SECTION 1: PURPOSE

Official wording:

“To instantly reclassify sensitive material when it appears in public view, thereby preserving operational secrecy through obfuscation.”

Unofficial translation:

“To panic gracefully.”

SECTION 2: PROCEDURE

Step 1 – The Announcement

The officer who notices the breach must immediately and loudly declare:

“That’s not what it looks like!”

This is intended to buy three to seven seconds of confusion — enough time to either snatch the item, obscure it with a convenient tray of scones, or walk briskly in the opposite direction.

Step 2 – The Upgrade

The exposed document must be stamped with a higher classification level than it previously held, preferably one that doesn’t exist. Examples include: Level Zeta-Prime, Confidential++, and Eyes Closed Only.

Step 3 – The Artistic Defence

If the breach has been captured (photo, video, or suspiciously detailed doodle), the official line is that the image depicts a “performance prop,” and any resemblance to actual policy is “coincidental satire.”

Step 4 – Meta-Leak Containment

In the rare event that an SOP itself is leaked, the department must claim that all SOPs are speculative fiction designed to test staff loyalty. This has the added benefit of making loyal staff pretend to “enjoy the twist ending.”

SECTION 3: INCIDENT LOG HIGHLIGHTS

• 2012 – The Self-LeakSOP-59A was itself leaked during a departmental tour for visiting dignitaries. Within two hours, it had been reclassified as Legendary Department Folklore, making it immune to further scrutiny.
• 2008 – The Elevator Reflection IncidentA memo regarding “Operation Cinnamon Roll” was visible in the mirrored elevator doors during a staff TikTok dance challenge. Public explanation: “An avant-garde cooking workshop.”
• 2019 – The Napkin Protocol LeakHandwritten notes on a bar napkin (“Do Not Let Luxembourg See the List”) were photographed and shared online. Response: “It’s a conceptual haiku project about small countries and bigger secrets.”

SECTION 4: STAFF TESTIMONIES

Reclassification Officer P. Herrick:

“I keep three stamps in my jacket at all times. One of them says ‘NULLIFY.’ I don’t know what it means, but it’s very satisfying to slam it on paper.”

Archivist L. Fen:

“Half the time, people believe the new classification exists. The other half, they nod as if they’re in on the joke. Either way, you win.”

SECTION 5: CULTURAL IMPACT

Among Rabagas staff, “pulling a 59A” has become synonymous with making a problem disappear by making it weirder. Internal jokes include drafting entire fake policy manuals filled with nonsensical charts, solely to see how long it takes for someone to ask for clearance to read them.

Annual Reclassification Drills have become a highlight of the social calendar, featuring a “Fastest Stamp in the West” competition and a costume contest for “Most Plausible Nonexistent Officer.”

SECTION 6: CURRENT STATUS

SOP-59A remains in active use, especially in the age of live-streaming and overzealous staff selfie culture. It is considered one of the most creative — and least technically effective — SOPs in circulation.

Current project: developing a heat-sensitive ink that changes classification marks when exposed to camera flash, thereby creating post-photographic deniability.